Rules for marrying an Evertonian
1 Remember, you partner loves you, but when Everton are playing, you’re nobody.
2 The following names are acceptable for a child:
3 Expect your wedding to occur just before a home game, in St Luke’s Church on Goodison Road. Your partner’s family and friends will, after the nuptuals are complete, leave you and your mother alone while all thirty seven of them pop next door to watch the Blues. You will eventually receive a telephone call from the Winslow about ten thirty that night, asking if you want to come over for a bevvy. You worry about who will lock up the church, but when you arrive at the Winslow you find that the vicar has been there for five hours, and is leading the singing of ‘hang the kopites one by one”.
4 Your home will be painted blue and white.
5 You must learn to hate beyond all reason David Elleray, Clive Thomas and Perluigi Collina, for as long as you both shall live. No need to ask why, just do it.
6 You must NEVER say, “Never mind, dear, it’s only a game” after an Everton defeat, unless you are well acquainted with a highly qualified divorce lawyer and have private medical insurance.
7 On social occasions frequented by Liverpool fans, learn your partner’s strategy of patronising them and expressing sadness at how far they have fallen behind the Mancs. This will earn you extra bonus points and your choice of bedtime games that night.
8 A picture of the latest first team squad must be placed over the bed in the master bedroom. A picture of the 1984/5 squad should be on display in the hall [or lobby if you live in Crosby]. A picture of Alex Young may be placed in a prominent position which facilitates worship without inconvenience.
9 In the bathroom, you should keep a supply of Tommy Smith toilet paper.
10 Express your surprise that just by coincidence, your summer holidays always appear to allow access to Everton’s pre-season tour. Do not complain about the lack of sunbathing facilities in Preston or Bury.
11 The Club replica shirt collection must be treated with extreme care. Each item must be hand washed, and loving ironed and stored until required.
12 Remember, on match days your partner will be absent from the family home from just before mid-day on match day until arriving home between five thirty in the afternoon and two in the morning.
On the following Tuesday.
It is pointless asking where they have been. They have no idea whatsoever.
Finally, remember to enjoy the experience. Your partner may be difficult, elusive, a spendthrift and a waster, but if they love you half as much as they love Everton, you will be treasured indeed.